Censored

I started this blog so I could stand naked on my metaphorical mountaintop, flipping the bird to the world. I needed a place where I could vent all of the shit that goes through my head at work and at 2 am on those (many) sleepless nights. Some of my closest friends are quite happy that I started this, because they were tired of listening to my wild conjectures, lengthy discourses on comic books and movies, and weird political ideas. I honestly believed for the longest time that no one would read it or that they would stop in once and move on, never to return. I certainly never expected the response I have received!

One of my best and oldest friends reads this regularly. His girlfriend reads it. My mother is a faithful reader and commenter. An intriguing new female friend and her compatriots have become regular readers. Other friends and coworkers are at least semi-regulars. My ephemeral anonymity is gone. Many of these people see me often and know me well.

This is a good thing; it allows them to know what is going on with me without having to guess or make arrangements for lunch or dinner. They need not write an email or pick up the phone. Sometimes, what I share prompts them to contact me because of the severity of what I write or a need they sense. All very positive and I have grown because of it.

The crux of the problem is that I am finding it harder to continue posting here without censoring myself. Sometimes I want to post things that happen as they relate to my group of friends. At least two of them are regular readers and would instantly recognize themselves or others of the group if I did this. Would they be offended? Would it prompt discussion? Would I be blacklisted with the rest of the group for negative comments? Would I or they be embarrassed by the positive comments? And that intriguing female friend I mentioned—would she be embarrassed if I posted the glowing things about her that I would like to? Her friends read this too, remember, and they will quickly guess about whom I am posting. What about family issues? Will I offend, embarrass, or just annoy my mom by posting such things? What about my sister’s opinion, an infrequent visitor to this blog?

These thoughts have been weighing more heavily after two recent events, both dinners with friends.

First, I had a dinner get-together with a good buddy, Evan, whom I have known for about eight years now. Evan is one of the smartest and most unique individuals I know, and I value his opinion. He mentioned that he is amazed at what I am willing to post to my blog. He was astonished I would share so many intimate things. He will probably be surprised that I post this.
Secondly, about a week after dinner with Evan, I was invited up to a spontaneous dinner/movie night at Chris’. The participants were Chris, his girlfriend Cynthia, and me. This was one of a handful of times I have been around Cynthia in person. Maybe because of the few times we have met in person, I was surprised by how confidently she spoke with me on certain topics. Of course, as a frequent reader of my blog, she knows many more things about me than I do about her. My knowledge is limited to the info Chris chooses to share and what I have learned in the limited personal contact I have had with her so far. Do not mistake me; I am happy she feels she knows me well enough from my blog to talk with me about such topics. But I was caught a little off-guard at her openness toward me and realized it came from her “knowing” me better than I knew her.

The easiest solution I can see is to anonymously start a new blog. Do not share it with my cadre of friends or my family and go on posting. But this seems false to me. It seems like a concession that I am saying things I somehow should not be or that I am doing something wrong. Plus, I honestly feel and believe the things that I post or I would not type them. It is cathartic to know people who care about me are getting the information that I may not necessarily share if we were face to face. It is not that I would not tell them if they asked, but that I may not think to share such things (and they may not think or know to ask).

I am generally well spoken in conversation, however, many times I need to write something out before I can wrap my head around it or get comfortable with it. That act of assaulting the blank page helps me to think things through and come to conclusions better than almost anything else. It slows down my rapid fire thoughts and allows a whole to coalesce from the pieces in my mind.

And, in the end, that is why I am making this post. I need to wrap my head around this conundrum and come to a decision. Do I continue posting here, for all to see? Do I censor myself on those topics I think may cause issue (good or bad) for myself or others? Do I start a new blog and keep it to myself?

Hopefully a solution will resolve itself in my mind soon.