They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

Sometimes I am very glad I am a human being. Because they shoot horses who come up lame.

Don't get me wrong-- this post isn't about seeking pity or feeling sorry for myself. First, I don't want your pity-- have no use for it. Second, my Ego is big enough it doesn't allow me to feel sorry for myself (at least for long); I'm too wonderful! I am just working through some of the built-up consternation I have with this situation.

My liver disease is a chronic autoimmune condition. Unfortunately, autoimmune conditions have a bad tendency to snowball into other autoimmune conditions. Thus, I also have rheumatoid arthritis. Actually, in discussion with my GE doctor, there is a little debate on which I got first, but the end result is the same-- I have both now. After 11 years of this, I guess I don't really care which came first.

This morning I woke up and the pain in my hands was high. Each knuckle in my left hand was hurting and didn't want to move. My back was stiff and my knees were throbbing. I take daily medication to help alleviate the pain and discomfort, as well as to minimize the damage and even, hopefully, regrow the bone mass I've lost, however, sometimes the old body just doesn't have any get-up-and-go.

A long, hot shower later, and some of the tension and pain had eased and I was feeling human again. My left hand was still very sore, but the type of pain I'm used to dealing with. I couldn't quite close my left hand on the steering wheel driving to work, though.

It is frustrating to be age (nearly) 35 and dealing with these issues. This is something you are "supposed" to deal with when you are older, after you've lived your life and are starting to wind down. I've got a lot of life left and am already having to acknowledge it.

Jean, the female bowler on our team, is 72. She also has RA. She and I often are complaining about the same symptoms. Do you realize how disheartening it is to be sharing arthritis stories with a woman twice my age?

I have a girlfriend now. Being a guy, I cannot help but want to be "The Man" for her, being strong and virile, and doing the manly things around her house that she feels she cannot do for herself. That is much harder when you wake up and the pain and swelling in your hands (or knees, or feet, or back) is so bad you can't use them. It can be embarrassing and a bit humbling.

This is my cross to bear and most of the time I bear it quietly and go about my day, working around any issues I have. But some days I want to get out of bed and not feel like I need to drag myself into a steaming hot shower in order to get the body moving. Some days I want to be able to type without wincing. Some days I want to be able to pull on a pair of running shoes (or cleats, or tennis shoes) and go out and do some of the activities I used to do. And some days it is a little overwhelming and I just want to shout.

Consider this my shout.