Dear Unsolicited Email Sender,
Thank you for your interest in me. Your desire to tell me, a complete stranger, about my (physical shortcomings, monetary needs, love life, spiritual needs, product needs) and offer me an unsolicited solution is incredible. Many of my closest friends have not mentioned it to me; so hearing it from you is very important. However, at this time, I do not feel I need (a larger penis, a harder penis, pornography, a new mortgage lender, debt consolidation, my home’s equity checked, a date, a “date,” to make 10% of the billions left behind in [Zimbabwe, Congo, Liberia, Senegal, Niger], a car loan, a new religion, a miracle weight loss drug, to earn money through eBay, to make millions through real estate ventures, a new internet service provider, a new cell phone, a new cell phone company, student loan assistance, to investigate someone). While I appreciate you informing me of this (product, service, opportunity), I am content right now in this area in my life.
If my need for (a larger penis, a harder penis, pornography, a new mortgage lender, debt consolidation, my home’s equity checked, a date, a “date,” to make 10% of the billions left behind in [Zimbabwe, Congo, Liberia, Senegal, Niger], a car loan, a new religion, a miracle weight loss drug, to earn money through eBay, to make millions through real estate ventures, a new internet service provider, a new cell phone, a new cell phone company, student loan assistance, to investigate someone) changes in the near future, I will contact you immediately. Rest assured that I understand you are the expert in this area and have nothing but my best interest at heart. Once I do contact you, we can discuss in detail the wonderful (product, service, opportunity) that I have neglected.
Being the conscientious person that you are, and now that I have informed you of my position on (a larger penis, a harder penis, pornography, a new mortgage lender, debt consolidation, my home’s equity checked, a date, a “date,” to make 10% of the billions left behind in [Zimbabwe, Congo, Liberia, Senegal, Niger], a car loan, a new religion, a miracle weight loss drug, to earn money through eBay, to make millions through real estate ventures, a new internet service provider, a new cell phone, a new cell phone company, student loan assistance, to investigate someone), I have no doubt you will stop emailing me immediately.
Thank you for your time and frequent emails on this matter. I want you to know that I have moved each and every one of those thoughtful and well-written emails immediately into the most appropriate folder in my email box.
Respectfully,
Unsolicited Email Recipient
John, I think the problem here is that you're thinking too much about these offers. In almost all cases these "opportunities" come with a time limit (because they're that good). It not just about enlarging one's penis; it's about enlarging one's penis today, for an unbelievable, once in a lifetime price! You're supposed to see the add, react on the instinctive level (much like the gnat drawn to the pretty flame), and make your purchase!
ReplyDeleteBut you, with your incessant thinking, your exasperating logic. You’re really missing the point (not to mention, making it difficult for an honest salesman to make a living). Who cares that you don’t actually have a mortgage. There’s someone out there who’s willing to improve it for you: that’s what you should be focusing on here... that someone’s taken their own time to do something good for YOU. Are you really going to pass that up?
So, as your friend, I recommend you join the mindless masses, bust out that credit card, and spend a little time (and, of course, money) on John!
-mbh
(I'm just looking out for you man)
I haven't got anything to sell. I feel so inadequate.
ReplyDelete