Copyright

All blog posts, unless otherwise noted, are copyrighted to the Author (that's me) and may not be used without written permission.

March 9, 2005

Rendezvous Revisited

In talking with people about my previous post, I found an interesting note: men were sympathetic (although I got a lot of ribbing about it) while women missed the point entirely and wondered why I didn’t do more.

First, to clarify for the women: yes I noticed a lot of individual details. When I retold the story, it was after I had put the evidence together and come to a conclusion. Doing so makes for a better story. During the actual event, I was noticing individual details and was not connecting the dots to form a whole. It’s like that old saying about something lost that you find in plain sight, “if it had been a snake, it would have bitten me!”

Secondly, in speaking about the event among various women I discovered that all but one of the women asked why I wasn’t more aggressive, why I didn’t do more. After explaining the point I just made (about seeing each thing as an individual event and not connecting the dots until later) I followed with a question of my own, “How many men have you asked out?” Of all the women I spoke to (in double digits), only one responded that she had asked a man out. One woman even went so far as to say she had never asked out a man and she never would—it was the man’s responsibility. Only the one woman who had asked out a man sympathized with my tale told, because she understood the stresses involved with laying yourself out there and being bold.

The point I am making is that this recent event has really highlighted hypocrisy in the women I know. They want equality, they want to make as much money as men, they want to have the same opportunities as men, they want to be considered more than just ovens for offspring-- all of which I agree with. Yet, when it comes to romance and relationships, nearly all of them want the man to make the first move, to pay for the date, to be aggressive (but not too aggressive), to hold open doors, to talk about her, and to take all of the risk.

I would argue that, if my conclusion about the restaurant incident is accurate, the woman who kept catching my eye is equally at fault. If she was interested, why didn’t she come up to me? Why didn’t she think of an opening line or give me a nod and a wave? Why didn’t she send a more direct signal?

According to articles on the subject, the biggest fear of the average person is public speaking. This fear ranks higher for most people than death or that which can kill them (shark attacks, drowning, car accidents, et al)! Asking a woman out has all of the same pressures of public speaking:

  • You are usually speaking in a crowd, albeit a small crowd of a few people;
  • You don’t know how what you are going to say will be received;
  • You are worried about forgetting what you are going to say;
  • You worried about public embarrassment; Etc.

Every single fear you, reading this right now, have about public speaking is present. In addition to all of these fears, the man has two additional fears to include.

  • Fear of rejection. What if she doesn’t like me? What if I’m reading the signals incorrectly? What if she, or her friends (because how often is a woman alone?), laugh at me?
  • Fear of acceptance. What if she says yes? What do I say after that? What can I talk about? Should I compliment her, and what on? Am I talking too much about me? About work?

I’ve asked out my share of women. In college and afterward, I went out a lot, less often these days. And yet, even with that practice, I still have to overcome many of those fears each and every time I ask a woman out. Every man does, to some greater or lesser degree. An aggressive, confident man, one who asks a lot of women out, is usually one who has a system in place that he is relatively secure will work in most cases. Because of this, he has mitigated many of the fears. People who are naturally more outgoing are going to have a small advantage over those who are more introverted. Those who are better at reading the signals and body language have an advantage over those who are more obtuse.

In the end, I didn't piece together the clues I was given by my admirer in the restaurant. She didn't overcome her own fears and approach me or she was totally expectant that I would make the first move. In the end, who is really at fault?

In order for us to understand each other better, I have some homework for the women who read this.

  1. Be direct. I want you to send less subtle, more direct signals when you show interest in the next man. He may be interested in you, too, but just is not sure of the signals he’s receiving or he may not be receiving them at all (as was my case).
  2. Ask a man out. Go through all of that fear yourself, even if it’s just once. You’ll have more respect for the men who do approach you in the future.
  3. Give us a break. As I heard it once said, “A man hopes he is having sex tonight, a woman knows if she is.” You hold most of the power in the relationship, use it wisely. The next time a shy, geeky, wallflower of a guy that you don't have any interest in approaches you, give him a break. Now you know some of the many obstacles that he had to overcome just to get the nerve up to ask you. Be nice.

And today I'm heading to the same place at the same time to see if the lady is there this week. If she is a student, it may be a routine that she stops by for lunch between classes or after a class. If she is there, I will look for even the most subtle hint and I will get up the nerve to walk over and introduce myself. Wish me luck?

3 comments:

  1. Well, I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I hope you don't mind some comments from a complete girl stranger.

    I had one thought as I was reading this post: If you subconsciously had really wanted to go over and talk to this girl, I think you would have picked up on the signals. Maybe there was something about her that you didn't consciously recognize that made her not be someone you'd want to go over and talk to/ask out. I can't help but think something would have driven you to action if you *really* wanted it. Again, don't know you, maybe I'm full of crap and maybe I'm not.

    I understand where you're coming from with being the "initiator of the asking-out". I asked a guy out once, on the advice of a guy friend, actually. I went up and told him I liked him and asked him out. He agreed and then left after an hour into our date, saying he "had something else to do". I'd call that a crash-and-burn. So I've tried my one time. Not sure I want to do it again.

    I also was the one who took on more of a pursuing role with my most recent ex-boyfriend, which left me with a feeling during most of our 4 year relationship that I was more into it than he was. I was the one who cared if we stayed together or not. Now I'm single again after being dumped for someone else. Hopefully my next relationship won't see me sitting around wondering if my guy is just there because no one better has come along yet.

    In theory I agree with "be direct", but that hard for anyone, no matter the gender. It's all about feelings and not wanting to hurt other people. However, at least I've learned to be "direct enough". e.g., the one guy I've had ask me out since becoming single again I had to turn down. I actually misunderstood him when he asked me out for dinner, I thought he meant with him & his co-worker since we were all staying overnight on a job. It wasn't until I arrived at the restaurant that I realized, oh, this is a "date"!! At the end he asked me out (again). I could have gone out with him for fun, sure, but at this point that's not what I'm looking for. Nothing against him, he was divorced with 2 kids, which is fine, but I am just not looking for that kind of guy. Maybe I passed up a great guy? But at least I didn't string him along thinking I was interested. I wasn't, so I turned him down, and I did so in a respectable fashion. I am glad he was a gentleman about it as well. Another version of being direct.

    You are right about women and equality, we want all that. Where the unequal part comes in is what I like to call the fairy-tale syndrome. Growing up, girls hear lots of stories about Prince Charming and happily ever after, which always involves men as the hero or the protector, etc. Soap operas also feature grand romantic gestures from men all the time. It's sort of like brainwashing. We dream of the "happily ever after" and the "soul mate" and those big romantic gestures. From all that we've "seen", these all include men making the moves. I'm in no way saying that this is right, just an observation. Again, maybe full of crap, but hey, I'm taking a risk and throwing it out there as a possibility.

    So don't beat up on yourself for not noticing. You never know who will pop into your life tomorrow, at least that's what I keep telling myself :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the kind words, Liz. You certainly seem like someone I hope I would pick up signals for!

    Nice to see a woman taking the initiative and feeling the pain that the guys go through. We need more of you out there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous12:34 AM

    I was one of those women that suggested for you to take the first move in a cold situation. Cold situation is a chance meeting like at the restaurant where you feel most uncomfortable. Warm is someone that you know something about but still a stranger, like a friend of a friend. Hot situation is where you are already friends and you want to go the next level but are unsure about her feelings.

    First, I have asked more than one guy out. I think it is three. The first one was the hardest and I was rejected. However years later we did date a few times. That experience did teach me to be as nice as possible when I reject them. Men are typically hunters and sometimes need the hunt to perceive success. So most women expect the hunter/damsel role. Which is not your style.

    Secondly, you have to realistically look at what kind of meeting style is best for you and use that to your advantage. It is an uphill battle to teach a duck to run, nor does make sense teach a cat to swim. We need to live within the physics that govern our lives. Ask yourself what kind of meeting is comfortable for you, likely the warm or hot one. Then look for friends to setup warm situation, join the sierra club, if you don’t like outdoors, maybe the chess club. Find a situation where you can meet new people and have fun regardless of the chance to meet beautiful women. Take pressure off yourself it will help you relax and show your true self.

    ReplyDelete