Bullied

I was bullied at times as a child. I was small, always something that bullies look for in a victim. I was a bit of a smart ass, something that bullies hate. I was one of the smart kids, something that many bullies can't stand. As someone who was bullied fairly regularly, I learned that there is never one set, pat answer to the bully. The correct response is fluid and changes with what is going on, how bad the bullying gets, the level of physical or mental trauma inflicted, and the level of threat in evidence.

The Incognito/Martin issue currently in the news, and constantly developing, really shows a dichotomy in how people think and see bullying. I was just watching ESPN and it was showing an exchange between Mike Golic and another former NFL player on the subject. Golic's response showed me that Golic has never, ever been bullied in his life (or that he believes one answer is right for all circumstances). He was basically saying, "Martin should have stood up to Incognito. He should have fought him and this problem would have gone away. Martin was weak to handle it the way he did."

Believing that you always stand up to a bully and doing so is the only correct solution shows a lack of understanding of the subject. While many bullies are in it for the physical (or mental) domination and having their prey stand up to them takes that away, not all bullies work that way. Some simply target someone for "fun" or some reason specific to the bully. Once targeted, the bully will do whatever it takes to stay in what they see as a position of dominance and control over their selected victim. If physical works, they use that. If the person stands up to that, they move on to emotional harassment, then maybe political control. They will lie to peers and those in power, even when the victim isn't around, in order to facilitate further bullying later. They will do things subtly, so if the victim speaks out or acts up, it looks like they are the ones at fault or having the problem, and the bully can keep right on doing it.

Add into this the level of sophistication and 24/7 access that today's technology allows a bully, and the abuse can be neverending.

When I was bullied, I had to determine which response was the best/right one for the current circumstances:

• Stand up and take a beating (and hope to give one, too)?
• Run away and live to fight another day?
• Use quick wit and smarts to get out of it or away from it?
• Take it to an authority and tell on the bully?

Each response has its Pros and its Cons. Each has a potential negative and may cause the bully to continue the attacks, or even double-down on them and make them worse.

With one bully, I stood up. I got punched in the ear so hard it started ringing and I thought his fist would come out the other side of my head. I kicked him in the testicles in return, and we actually became pretty good friends. In another case, I ran away; he had numbers on his side and I was likely going to get really messed up, but I knew I was faster than anyone in the bully's group, so I could escape that circumstance. I then had to avoid that bully and his gang until I figured a way to turn the tables on the bully and get back at him. Then he turned his attention on someone else. In another case, the bully was not physically imposing, but was mentally trying to dominate and control me. I had to use my wits to overcome this threat. And, on more than one occasion, I had to go my least favorite route and simply tell on the bully and see where the chips fell. In some instances, it went badly for both of us. In most cases, the authority figure believed me and the bully got taken down and had to move on to someone else because I refused to play the game.

In many of those cases, had I simply stood up to the bully physically, it would not have made any difference. Those who bully through emotional manipulation, lies, subterfuge -- they would have simply continued on, and probably increase their efforts, because they got the rise out of me they were looking for.

Another aspect that comes into play is the bullied person's temperament. A quite, shy, introvert is going to have a very different response and way of dealing with the situation, regardless of bullying type, than an extroverted, outgoing, confident person. The introvert will want to ignore it, at first, and then try to "go along to get along" second. He/she may finally feel either telling an authority figure or running away is the best course of action. An extrovert is going to confront first, and maybe use their wits, charm, and people skills to diffuse the situation. Both are valid responses, and neither is right or wrong. But what do these people do if their bully simply changes tactics and continues to come at them? That is when character is tested.

This is a very complex issue and one that cannot be solved simply by a physical confrontation. We are still finding out what went on between Incognito and Martin, so I cannot say how Martin handled it was right or wrong. Anyone who says that there is only one right way for Martin to handle the situation, however, I take exception to. Either they have never been bullied or they are completely obtuse to how bullying works.

Bullying

I'm torn by this recent increase in bullying and suicides by teens in America. I'm torn because I don't think it is actually an increase in the acts themselves, just higher profile acts that are making it to the national media. I'm also torn because I don't understand the thought processes that lead to the bullied committing suicide.

I was bullied throughout my formative years. In grade school and into junior high school, I was a small kid. I wore a lot of blue. I was teased and picked on and called a "Smurf", "Smurfette", and, as my peers and I were starting to discover curse words, worse names. I hated it, but it taught me to be quick witted with comebacks and quicker still with my feet -- I could outrun nearly everybody at that age.

In junior high the bullying got more physical at times. I had a few people who liked to physically push and shove and others who threatened me with harm. Hell, even after I had one summer where I grew a number of inches, I wound up with my formerly short friends upset I wasn't part of their crowd, so they used their "Napoleon complexes" to pick on me for having grown, but I still wasn't tall so many of my taller peers continued to assault me for being still so short! In junior high, I started to see and learn that the teachers and other adults in my life also could be bullies, although I think most of them didn't realize it. Gym teachers who didn't think I was trying hard enough would make me try to do more in front of a class full of students who resented that my ineffectual actions were slowing down them getting to play time. Teachers who parade an obviously scared, crying child in front of the classroom and continue berating them for all the class to see and hear. However, rather than plotting their deaths or my own, I got smarter, wilier, more devious. I figured out ways around those teachers. Hell, one teacher in junior high who pissed me off one too many times I battled with verbally until he went to the little closet office he had attached to his classroom and cried. I learned to fight back.

In high school, the bullying became much more physical. Constant targeting by bigger, tougher students when I was a Freshman and Sophomore. Again, my quick feet and quick wits helped me out of most of those situations, and I tended to find something on them that I could get to an authority figure surreptitiously so they had to deal with their own issues.

And, frankly, the bullying over the years made me into a bully. I was more subtle than many in my bullying, but I teased, cajoled, whispered, and wheedled until I made those around me crack. I got good at manipulating those around me, students and teachers alike.

But all during these times, even when I couldn't avoid it and got into physical fights, I never once thought about suicide. One of my life's mottoes from a very earlier age has always been "as long as there is life, there is hope." And it is true. If you are bullied in grade school, it will end when you grow, or become quick witted, or find your strength, or when you go to junior high and away from one, some, or all of your bullies. Same with junior high and high school.

Life is constant change, especially at young ages. From childhood through college, it is almost constant change. Knowing that, why would you think that ending life (your own or someone else's) is a viable solution? Instead, just actively seek out change or simply wait for the next change to come about and suddenly everything around you is different.

I can't speak directly about the homosexual angle to many of the recent bullying stories. Although some of the bullying that I had to put up with came from those who accused or insinuated I was gay, I was always very comfortable in my skin and with my sexuality (even when it was budding) so I never took those threats or taunts too seriously. In most cases, that was just one of many tactics the bullies had used to get my goat and under my skin. For those for whom the sexual-orientation taunts are true, I guess they haven't developed a comfort with their sexuality due to how homosexuality is viewed in general in America. So it makes it harder for them to ignore those taunts.

In the end, I wind up torn on the issue: while I agree that bullying is a serious issue and we should strive to eliminate as much of it as we can, my opinion is that bullying is something that everyone must overcome. In many cases, overcoming bullying makes people who and what they are as adults. Without bullying, many of our best athletes, most entertaining musicians and actors, and many of our leaders wouldn't exist -- it is through overcoming their bullying that they learned they had a facility for comedy, a passion for the arts, or became great athletes and leaders. Pressure can turn carbon into diamond, but it can also crack and break that diamond if too much is applied, or the pressure comes from the wrong angle. Without that pressure, many people may not find their gifts and their niche in the world. But too much pressure can obvious crack a mind and spirit and cause someone to either kill themselves or those around them. It is a balance and I simply don't have a solution for it.