The Strain of It All

Sometimes, it takes something unusual to let you know that you are hurting or in need.

My last paycheck was in January 2020. I decided to take some time off and then start looking for my next job. I had just started sending resumes out when the world shut down due to the pandemic. And then, just as things were starting to turn around, I severely reinjured my back and knee and started rehabbing that.

Next, the at-home frustrations began, with the clothes dryer, dishwasher, and Melissa's car all crapping out bang, bang, bang. This was followed by an absolute failure of mine to get Melissa Christmas gifts (which I showed her, and she understood and was fine with, but still made me feel like a heel). The jaw abscess (and possible oral surgery), being diagnosed with sleep apnea, yet another lockdown, and having to adjust to new RA meds have been trying.

Through all of this, I've tried to remain as stout, strong, reasonable, and steady as possible. You know, my "usual self." A couple of weeks ago, however, a commercial got to me (not even one of those tear-jerker ones enticing you to send in money; it was about a girl with allergies whose dad switched detergents!). And then, Melissa and I were watching a show and I felt wet cheeks without even realizing I had teared up. This morning, listening to my music, Olivia Newton-John's "I Honestly Love You" came on and I outright cried. Now, it's a good song and few people had/have as good a voice as she did in the 70s and early 80s, but I don't usually *cry* when I hear her songs.

I think that the fear, stress, pain, and uncertainty have caught up with me. It built up slowly, over a lot of issues and time, but that final feather, that last grain of sand finally weighed me down. Just writing this is making me tear up again, which shows that my emotions are bubbling just below the surface and are ready to come out at a moment's notice.

I'm lucky because I have a great support system. Starting with my wife, and including my family (both born to and married into) and many friends, I know I can call on any of them whenever I need and they will help in whatever capacity may be necessary. Not everyone has that. So, so lucky.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should listen to yourself. Pay attention when you find yourself overly emotional when you aren't normally. Note when you are passive, withdrawn, and unable to cope. See the signs and seek help. Write someone. Pull a friend aside. Talk to your significant other. Find a professional. Call a hotline. Don't try to be the rock that can weather any storm... sooner or later the wind, the rain, or the ice will crack you. Share the burden, even if for a short time.